Arts & Humanities

divorcees astranged from children

Arts & Humanities

Posted by: franny

3rd Oct 2011 07:21pm

Being a middle aged male who, through my own actions, has been divorced for over 15 yrs and had no contact with my children. I have thought of them every day of my life abd now that they are adults i am trying to connect with them. It is difficult, I dont feel worthy though I know myself what it was like to not know my own parents in adulthood and would not like them to be denied the opportunity. Are therre others with similair issues who may have some usefull suggestions or just want to chat about it ?


Comments 15

sherri
  • 3rd Dec 2011 11:02am

You have received some very sage advice here which to summarise seems to be saying 'go for it' -but be patient, and don't expect it to be easy.

Having said that, I wonder if it would be an idea to get a third party involved - Salvos, or Relationships Australia (assuming you are writing form Oz). Also, I have heard of families being reunited through Facebook. At the very least you might be able to find out a little bit about their lives.

There is always room for forgiveness...and often even reconciliation. All the best.

ciaobella
  • 4th Nov 2011 09:31pm

Being estranged is difficult. In my situation, my ex-husband is estranged from my children because of continued psychological, verbal and emotional abuse. It has been a long struggle to ensure my children have grown without the stigma of what he was able to do to them. They do not want to have anything to do with him nor ever will however, in your case, despite your divorce, if you were not responsible for any untoward abuse (sometimes neglect and disinterest on the part of a parent can be an abuse) you should feel able to contact them. Do not expect too much from them. The time lapsed between your last contact means you must be prepared to give of yourself and understand that they now have a life quite separate from yours. If you are prepared to be generous with your affection, love and interest in their lives, you will find a re-connection over time. It is worthwhile pursuing as maybe they could be wondering about you. As I said, if you don't have high expectations, you will never regret your decision to make contact with them. I do hope you have success.

chookybo
  • 5th Nov 2011 12:10pm
Being estranged is difficult. In my situation, my ex-husband is estranged from my children because of continued psychological, verbal and emotional abuse. It has been a long struggle to ensure my...

Hi Ciaobella. I feel very much for you. If my father had been abusive when I was a child I would not have wanted to have anything more to do with him ever again. However, he was just unfaithful to my mother and I could forgive that, even though it was serious enough at the time for my mother to leave him. People can make mistakes. As I said previously, I realised when I grew up, that my parents were not compatable and should never have married, so could forgive my father for going with another woman - who was a lovely person and he eventually married. I believe that if my parents had been happily married then my father would not have strayed. My mother was not the easiest woman to live with although I loved her very much. She had a much happier life with my step-father.

chookybo
  • 4th Nov 2011 11:40am

Thanks Francis. Both men are dead now. My father died aged 94. His friend died aged about 88 without ever making it up with his son. Think of all he missed! I had at least two decades with my father visiting him and he visiting me. I'm so glad we finally got together again.

chookybo
  • 4th Nov 2011 11:21am

Never give up on your children even if they tell you they aren't interested. They will think differently when they get older. When I was visiting my father who lived (he is dead now) interstate, one of his friends told me that he had contacted his son when he was 18 and his son had told him to "get lost" as he didn't want anything to do with him. My father's friend became very bitter and when his son contacted him when older (about 30) he told the young man that as he (the son) hadn't wanted to have anything to do with him when he (the son) was younger then he (the father) did not want anything to do with him now. I tried to explain to him about how I had felt when I was a teenager about my father and then how my views had changed when I became more mature but he would not take any notice and stated again that his son had had his chance. I felt very sorry for them both as I had many years of contact with my father and was very glad I had looked for him.

Please be patient with your children. I'm sure when they get to know you things will be better. I'm so glad that you have contact with them now.

franny
  • 4th Nov 2011 11:31am
Never give up on your children even if they tell you they aren't interested. They will think differently when they get older. When I was visiting my father who lived (he is dead now) interstate,...

Thank you again, and yes I will be patiant, as long as it takes. I nkow that if my father was still alive I would love to have contact with him. I feel for both men that you mentioned, if only..... life is too short and too precious hay

franny
  • 4th Nov 2011 02:05am

there is been some fantastic feedback from all you lovely folk, I just want to say a big thank you to you all, it gives me hope. I have had a little contact via Facebook with my daughter who is now 21, she has been angry and confused but we have manged a few chats, my son who is 20 has spoken with me on the phone and we have had text communication. I will heed the advise given here, thank you for sharing your experience
, it has been invaluable.

ZARA
  • 28th Oct 2011 10:14am

I am estranged from my children and my granddaughter - it certainly does bother me but I feel they will contact me as they will miss me as much as I miss them - good things come to people who wait (however painful)

trix56
  • 8th Dec 2011 10:39pm
I am estranged from my children and my granddaughter - it certainly does bother me but I feel they will contact me as they will miss me as much as I miss them - good things come to people who wait...

After a misunderstanding earlier this year I have not heard from my 3 daughters who have 5 of my grandchildren between them. It IS very painful but I am at a loss wht to do. I have tried texting nd will now hve to send the grandkids presents via my sister as I don't even have addresses. They all live instate.

chookybo
  • 4th Nov 2011 11:31am
I am estranged from my children and my granddaughter - it certainly does bother me but I feel they will contact me as they will miss me as much as I miss them - good things come to people who wait...

Zara, never give up on your children and granddaughter. Try to get in touch with them. Don't leave the contact to them as you might miss out on many happy years. Even if they regect you don't give up - but you might be surprised.

franny
  • 4th Nov 2011 02:12am
I am estranged from my children and my granddaughter - it certainly does bother me but I feel they will contact me as they will miss me as much as I miss them - good things come to people who wait...

Thank you Zara

chookybo
  • 26th Oct 2011 12:55pm

Franny, try to get in touch with your children. Don't feel unworthy. Divorces are usually not the fault of just one of the partners.

Here's a point of view from a child of divorced parents. My parents split up when I was about 9 and my mother took off with the children and went interstate. For many years I did not want any contact with my father nor did I want him to contact me. However, when I became older, married and had children of my own, I started to wonder about my father. All knew about him was that at the time my mother had left him he was having an affair with another woman (who he finally married). I finally tracked him down and after some time realised that there were faults on both side of my parents. Both parents had by that time remarried and had very happy second marriages. I realised that my mother and father were not really suited and should not have ever married - but if they hadn't then I would not be in existance! I was very lucky as I had two lovely step-parents. My first contact was by mail and I was unsure whether my father would want to know me after all these years but he and his wife welcomed me with open arms. I was extremely nervous when I finally did meet him again and wondered if he would like me. I found out later that he was wondering whether I would like him.

If you do manage to get intouch with your children and they reject you, just leave it for a few years and then try again. Don't try to push things or you might push them away. Time changes people's opinions.

franny
  • 4th Nov 2011 02:11am
Franny, try to get in touch with your children. Don't feel unworthy. Divorces are usually not the fault of just one of the partners.

Here's a point of view from a child of divorced...

amazing, thank you for the time you took and your advice, I will certainly heed the advise, I want to wright more to you but its late, I just checked this now, will chat more with you soon, thank you again.
Francis

lisa170
  • 22nd Oct 2011 08:42pm

My father commit suicide when I was one and a half because my mother felt he wasn't worthy and made his life so difficult he couldn't pursue any type of custody. I'm 28 now and there is not a single day where I don't think about him. Get in touch with your children. They need to hear your side of the story. They need to hear you tell them you never stopped thinking about them. Even if they get angry they need to hear from you. Maybe write them a letter? You can get in everything you want to say and they can take as long as they like to take it in. I hope this helps.
Oddly enough I've ended up with a guy who doesn't see his children due to a similar situation as mine was.

franny
  • 4th Nov 2011 02:09am
My father commit suicide when I was one and a half because my mother felt he wasn't worthy and made his life so difficult he couldn't pursue any type of custody. I'm 28 now and there is not a...

Thank you Lisa170 for sharing this with me, I am sorry to hear how it turned out, I can empathize with what your dad must have felt as I felt that way for years but just could not give up, I have had a bit of contact with my kids, they are now of course young adults, just chat on facebook and a couple of text messages, they have had mixed reactions, but its a start. cannot thank you enought for sharing this with me

Help Caféstudy members by responding to their questions, or ask your own in Café Chat, and you will get the chance of earning extra rewards. Caféstudy will match these and donate equally to our two chosen Australian charities.

AMCS
Australian Marine Conservation Society are an independent charity, staffed by a committed group of scientists, educators and passionate advocates who have defended Australia’s oceans for over 50 years.
Reach Out
ReachOut is the most accessed online mental health service for young people and their parents in Australia. Their trusted self-help information, peer-support program and referral tools save lives by helping young people be well and stay well. The information they offer parents makes it easier for them to help their teenagers, too.